When One of You Wants to Be Intimate and the Other Does Not

5 Research-based Ways Women Address Mismatched in Sex Drive

Research on sexuality has historically been portrayed from a male point of view, a tendency reflected in culture at large. The world has been male-dominated, a state of affairs coming under fire notably in the political realm as a trend toward female leadership begins to take shape.

This was highlighted in former president Barak Obama’s proclamation that women are “indisputably better” than men, and that if women ran the world, it would be a better place, right away. It’s strange to have that message coming from a man in his position, if not surprising as he straddles many worlds. Sad that the message is so powerful coming from a male, even in 2020, speaking to the persistence of gender inequality.

Bedroom Identities

In fact, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, young women are the most common victims of domestic violence and one in five women (compared with one in seventy-one men) are raped. Rates of non-consensual sex and quasi-consensual sex are much higher, and less overt than frank rape.

The majority of the time, these abuses of power and acts of violence go unreported. They are institutionalized, a fixture of everyday existence, for most, the norm, constituting a silent, disempowered majority.

The research literature on female sexuality has been limited by these factors. How women navigate when sexual desire differ from partners hasn’t been the subject of much study. The presumption is that men have greater sexual desire, though that is not always the case. The conventional stance has been that women are obligated to provide sex for their (male) partners.

The question of how to address the situation if there is a mismatch isn’t addressed clearly from the female point of view, as study authors below eloquently discuss. The legacy perspective is that men want sex more, and and are vocal about it, and often coercive… and women are expected to silently submit with the implicit, often explicit, accusation that women are to blame for male unbridled desire. A further limitation is that much of the research on female sexuality is on convenience samples, typically of college-aged White women.

Let’s Talk About Sex

“Many women report that their desire to have sex and their actual sexual activity, the amount they have sex, sometimes differs. Some women report that they agree to have sex with a partner because their partner wants them to. Others say their own desire is much more intense than their partner’s desire. Can you talk about your experience with this?”

Researchers used a careful protocol to extract themes from dialogue-based 1.5- 2 hour interviews with 20 women flowing out from this initial question. The participants were recruited to ensure a level of diversity, with average age around 35 years with a range from younger to older, ethnic breakdown 60 percent White, 40 percent Women of Color, 4 Mexican American women, and 2 Asian American women. Sixty percent identified as heterosexual, 25 percent bisexual and 15 percent lesbian. They were all cisgender. Five were married, 5 single and living with someone long-term, five divorce, and five single and unpartnered.

All of the participants reported that discrepancies in sexual desire were a significant part of their relationships. Thirteen reported that they generally felt less desire than their partner, usually a male partner. Four reported that they felt more desire than their partner, also usually a male partner. With one exception, who reported having very good communication with her partner, all the women reported “problematic desire discrepancies”, defined as causing “conflict, distress or negative affect”. Looking more closely at participants’ narratives, five major themes came up:

1. Declining Sex

Another reported of her girlfriend feelings of guilt when she did not want to have sex: “It does get hard sometimes too because I feel like I’m not really in the mood for it. But then I also feel guilty… I feel bad to say know because… I don’t want her to feel like I’m not attracted to her…”

Women in this group, while they often reported doing emotional work around declining sex, did feel entitled to say no, rather than submit to unwanted sex to avoid conflict.

2. Having Unwanted Sex

The other two women described having sex as a duty to give their partners pleasure, without themselves expecting to get any pleasure out of it. Researchers interpreted this lack of agency sufficient to decline sex in the context of imbalances related to power and gender.

3. Experiencing Pressure for Sex (Giving and Receiving)

Another woman noted that her husband’s sex drive was higher than hers, a problem which had become worse over the long years of their marriage: “I mean, when we were first together back in high school, what do I have to worry about? … But now he wants it all the time, at least once a day, still. At this age! He can just tell if I’m kinda not in the mood, but he wants it more than I do now.” Another woman described feeling pressured when having sex with men only, and not with her girlfriends, reflecting a gender-based difference in her experience of sexuality.

Negotiating sex for these women was a tug-of-war when men wanted sex more often. However, they reported that when they wanted sex more than their male partners, the exchange was less tense, more playful generally, and less heavy-though notably the male partners were not interviewed to see if their subjective experience matched the reported lightness of their female counterparts. Perhaps women were less pushy, cautious about men feeling shamed for not wanting to have sex, in violation of gendered stereotypes that men should always be ready to go.

4. Feeling Disappointed and Staying Silent

One women said, “I’ve always found that I’m more sexually active than my partners, that I want it more than they do. It’s been so frustrating because men that watch porn, they’re in there saying they’re taking a s**t but they’re sitting on the toilet watching a video and j*cking off. It’s not fair…”

Another participant appeared to pathologize her desire because it was higher than her partners’, reporting that regardless of how much sex she had, “…I have this insatiable drive. It’s hard to feel satisfied.” The interview did not go into the origins of high or low sex drive, but it would be interesting to have information about developmental history, and biological factors.

Another issue which came up for women who felt disappointment was around attractiveness and sex. One woman, for instance, reported that her boyfriend was less interested in sex after she gained weight. In general, women who wanted to have sex when their partners did not were prone to experience painful feelings of rejection.

The study authors note that women in this thematic group tended to feel disempowered, resigned to having less sex than they wanted, and therefore experiencing reduced sexual and relationship satisfaction. This was connected with an overall sense of not only being sexually unsatisfied, but also being burdened by the whole issue of having to negotiate sex in their relationships.

5. Discussion of Sexual Discrepancies

Another woman, when she wasn’t as into it as her boyfriend, described that it was because he wasn’t trying hard enough. Rather than agree to unsatisfying sex, she would get him to try harder and do more. Unlike women who saw sex as a chore they had to do, she said: “That’s probably where it kind of feels like ‘Oh, this is gonna be a chore.’ I try to probably just get him to want it more and put more effort into it… Like, ‘Get more in the mood! Rub my feel or something! Put a little effort into it!’

Another woman cited extra-marital consensual sex as a way to resolve differences in desire as well as the need for variety. When she was overworked with children and job, she gave her husband permission to have sex with other women. She wanted him to feel happy and relieve the pressure on herself. Likewise, as they had gotten older and her husband had sexual issues, she pursued sex with other men. However, he was not OK with her extra-marital activity, echoing the gender stereotype that men are expected to stray, but women are supposed to be faithful.

She said, “I personally don’t believe monogamy is a workable solution for people overall. I think that is a big problem in our society…” Again, it would be interesting to know more about that relationship, but in terms of how sexual mismatch was navigated, her story illustrates how communication can be used to negotiate relationships outside of the marriage, especially for non-traditional relationships, which are becoming more common.

The Beginning

Decentering the male perspective is refreshing and gives voice to how a diverse sample of women experience sexuality in a diverse range of relationships. Rather than being the end of the discussion, this research opens up a new area of inquiry.

Future research can build on these initial findings, and hopefully contribute to a balancing of perspectives and power. Research with reach may enable people in powerless positions to find ways to empower themselves through voice and action, and begin to change the circumstances which make victimization so easy to get away with free from fear of discovery or justice.

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Originally published at https://www.psychologytoday.com.

Psychiatrist, Psychoanalyst, Entrepreneur, Writer, Speaker, Advocate

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