6 Ways Unresolved Trauma Covertly Shapes Relationships

Staying safe becomes risky when it keeps us from seeing what we need to see.

How often does conflict in relationships-for example, between partners in a couple-serve as an interpersonal or social defense against uncomfortable feelings: sadness, grief, trauma, loneliness? How often do we use the performance of caring, going through the motions, to avoid authentically connecting?

How do therapists work with interpersonal conflict in order to help people find their way? “Enactment” is a psychoanalytic term (an “interpersonal-relational” one) as used here, referencing what is happening between the two people in therapy. Each person brings their own perceptions, interpretations, and distortions to the mix 1. Enactment happens outside of therapy relationships as well. We may “enact” the past, and when we enact unresolved trauma, it tends to be retraumatizing and confusing.

We each bring our own history to the mix, together co-creating unique yet familiar patterns. In therapy, the goal with enactments is to notice when they happen and learn from them through the process; this working through does not necessarily happen in other relationships. There are many avenues by which unresolved trauma, often hidden, can shape our relationships.